Who is Josh Dobbin?

Josh Dobbin is a nut that I've had the great pleasure to get to know some over the last couple months. He runs Otherworlds Multimedia where he demonstrates more knowledge of graphic design and layout than I ever hope to attain. Because of this I've roped him in to doing some work for me as a subcontractor, but more on that in web design area later. For now, I want to focus on another element of Mr. Dobbin and that's Josh, qua nut.

I've always appreciated good writing and on top of Josh's other talents, he is an excellent wordsmith. Several a'morning I've been sitting around reading email to be greated by some snippet from Mr. Dobbin that didn't just evoke a chuckle, but was downright milk-out-your-nose funny. You'll find some of the gems presented herewith.

• Some Random Thoughts
• Thoughts on the Boy Scouts
• Rock-Climbing Fiasco

Return-Path: 
Reply-To: 
From: "jehay" 
To: "Jeff Yoak" 
Subject: A small gift
Date: Thu, 27 Nov 1997 02:53:19 -0500
X-MSMail-Priority: Normal



----------
> From: Jeff Yoak 
> To: jehay@erols.com
> Subject: Re: Hey, Stranger!
> Date: Tuesday, November 25, 1997 5:35 PM
> 
> Joshamaniac,
> 
> 	Your account at yoak.com is under construction which is to say I faxed in
> the contract.  I'll call or email you details on use once I know it is
> working.
> 
> Cheers,
> Jeff
> 
Much in the spirit of the little drummer boy who had no gift to give the
newborn christ child, I offer up as thanks these few thoughts that rattle
around this here head o' mine. 
They are:

1)Y'know, Ben Franklin, crazy old coot that he was, suggested that the
turkey should be the national bird of the USA. What a different world it
would be, where on tables across the nation, families would be gathering on
this day to dine on the traditional meal of Thanksgiving eagle. 

2)This snaggle-toothed breeder in Iowa who pushed out seven tiny beany
babies has taken America by the heartstrings, and we have, caught up in
some romantic Disney-esque mood, sent her and her hick hubby free diapers,
money, and other such nicities...
But there was no stork which deposited seven bassinets on the doorstop, ala
the cartoons... This freakish monster had, within her innards, seven
separate babies, all hooked up to umbilical cords, gestating in what must
have been the most repugnant womb since Mrs. Bolton gave birth to a
bouncing baby Michael...Seven umbilici...It must have been like some horror
movie removing that mess. These floppy tentacles, forming a grotesque
umbilical spaghetti platter- Her holy of holies must have looked like the
Alien before it attacked Ripley...

3)Who let Aquaman into the Justice League? Superman can kick ass on this or
any other planet, Batman is a Holmesian detective, Wonder Woman is like a
chick superman, Green Lantern can create anything...ANYTHING...with that
spiffy thing, the Flash can vibrate through walls and go back in time with
his speed...
Aquaman's special power is that he can talk to fish.
He fights underwater crime. Y'know, if any criminal wants to conduct his
crime underwater, I say let him go for it. It's really not affecting me. 

4)Rush Limbaugh *is* a big fat idiot...But Al Franken is a quasi-funny hack
who saw SNL through its darkest time, and now, for stating a very obvious
fact in a very Johnny One Note book, is considered some sort of political
freewheeling Lenny Bruce. 

5)South Park kicks ass. 

That is the sum total of my thoughts at this time. Welcome to my world. 
Josh 
ps. Thank you!!!!!
> 
> 
> -------------------------------------------
> Jeff Yoak  jeff@yoak.com  http://yoak.com/
> "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster 
> than any invention in human history - 
> with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
> 	-stolen from Mitch Ratliffe
> 

This was posted on the message board at Joe the Circle.

Okay, Jeff has recently chastized me for not posting more often. I warned him that my last real foray into the message board saw the collective Joe Family putting the smack down on the Net. Love Guy, and resulted in the most horrific use of animation since "Pocahontus"... But he urged me to write nonetheless. So here goes:

Have you heard the semi-recent controversy concerning the Boy Scouts as of late? I understand that in between presidential hummers and El Nino, news items can get kinda lost, but this bears noting. The Boy Scouts of America have seen fit to oust from their ranks an openly gay member...Not a "scout Master," mind you, but an Eagle Scout- A bona fide member in (up to this point) good standing.

Now, this seems kind of odd: if I told you there was a group of people that dressed pre to post pubescent boys in kerchiefs and short-pants, took frequent trips to the woods to be together,were concerned greatly with the use of rope and the tying of knots, had a no-girl policy, and had, at their helm, paunchy white guys with Indian Headdresses on....Wouldn't you assume I was speaking about NAMBLA?

The fact of the matter is that when you explicitly announce that your group is all-boy, all the time, it will, by its nature, attract those who wish to be with boys, all the time. To think otherwise is foolish, and to then punish or chastise the poor kids who, lonely and confused, seeking acceptance and camraderie among their group is reprehensible.

Factor in the mixed message of having a sub-division of the group called WEBLOW and you see that these bastards are just being teases...

Now, I was a scout long enough to know that the only function of scouting is to hang out with your friends after school...Any and every kid who stayed in the Scouts after 12 was destined not to ever kiss a girl...Now this Gay Scout was fine with that fact. He didn't care about kissing girls. What concerns me more than a 15 year old Gay Scout is the leigons of 15 year old non-gay scouts... What the hell is wrong wit these kids? Why would a kid one year away from his liicense be willingly referred to as a "boy"? Or wear a kerchief? I read sick volumes into the desire to dress in para-military uniforms and study survivalisim in the woods with a bunch of admitted religious homophobes...

I suppose also that being a Gay Boy Scout is tantamout to being a gay republican, or a Jewish Neo-nazi, or a Hindu Burger Chef...It is just plain silly. But what is not silly is the knee-jerk reaction to the whole prospect of tolerance that the Talk Radio/Joe Public have evidenced. Do they think that this kid will "convert" their children? Will his "gay power" be such that all of Troop 54 will suddenly use their slip-knots for naughty boy-boy action instead of...um...Hell, what else would you tie one of those things for, anyway? This is a kid, and obviously, one who was so into scouting that he got all the way to Eagle... Which requires a crazy amount of geekish devotion to the 'Scouts... To just boot him at that point, after he's proven to be the "best of the best,"and after he has jumped thru whatever hoops they make you jump thru to be an Eagle Scout, is an admission that gayness is not a limiting factor in ability or aptitude...

In closing, I would like to say, as summation of the detailed thoughts and ruminations herein: fuck the Boy Scouts.

Back to the top.

First, Mike Shapiro posted this to the Joe the Circle Message Board:

Well with approximately one fourth of our active Message Board membership gone on a trip (ooops; was I supposed to admit that?) and with my arm in a sling (see the below URL for all the gory details and sociological commentary), and Jeff dealing with that alimony suit (well, not really, but I was curious if he reads anything that I post), things have gotten a bit quiescent down here on the Joe Message Board, and in order to combat this ertia (the opposite of inertia) I have decided that I need to start a new sentence.

Having done that, I am proud (well, willing in any event) to announce the latest Joe the Circle Gratuitous User Survey! Keeping with the theme of my current state of Injury, this week's question is:

What was the worst or more embarrassing injury you ever experienced? And of all the Joe characters, who would it be the funniest for the same thing to happen to?

Post your responses here on the MOB. We wait with breaths. (No time to bate.)

***

Within a day or so, the following response appeared on the message board from "Most definitely not Josh Dobbin"

Okay, you know those rocky, excavated areas that run along either side of the highway? The seldom considered craggy masses that, thru dynamite and drilling have been blasted apart to allow the open exchange of commerce to run like ants down the highways & byways of our great nation? During a High School Friday (which consisted, for my friends & me, of driving aimlessly & looking for "adventure"... "adventure" was usually defined as either Mini Golf, or stealing Ketchup Squirters from Arby's and doing drive-by "stainings" of white cars) my now ex-friend Gordon (long story) and I decided it would be a lark to try to climb these things. Many other friends were in the car.

Now I'm as spry as the next guy, and I managed to shimmy up about 35 feet... It was at this point that our fun-expedition hit a snag. I was under an over-hang, & couldn't move left or right. Looking down, I suddenly realized that a) when this type of shit is attempted on TV, there are usually ropes and metal things involved, or at least special shoes, and b) that Gravity equals falling at 32 feet per second per second. Niether of these facts comforted me.So there I am, stuck, with what are soon becoming cramped fingers, off to the side of the highway, 35 feet in the air, (long enough for a 1 second fall, give or take) and I have no one to blame but myself. Gordon, bastard that he was, managed to climb down after only going up 15 feet or so... Then the rock began to crumble. I realized that I would soon lose footing, so I assessed the situation. (which would have been an advisable course of action before the actual climbing took place) Down below, 30 feet or so, were a large outcropping of rocks. I had only seconds- enough to really hate myself for getting into this mess. My mind raced for possible non-fatal solutions to the impending fall.

Now odd thoughts occur at points like this. I was frantically trying to remember any fact that might help me out (y'know, like when they telly you to lie down & play dead if a bear attacks) but there were no old addages about falling off of rock-faces. As the foot hold slipped, I grasped this one factoid from the deep recesses of my mind- The old Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Rulebook had a character class called "monk" which was a kung-fu hero type. The monk could, as he progressed levels, fall from great distances, provided he was close to a wall or cliff- This was explained by the monk's kung-fu training allowing him to use his hands & feet as friction devices in the exact right moments to lessen the fall. Preposterous, to be sure, but when you are falling off a sheer wall, you'll try anything. SO I aimed myself for the largest rock below, and let go- Facing forward, I aimed myself for the largest rock- I used my sneaker bottoms to apply "brakes" to the sheer rock, and trid to lean back as much on my palms as the angle of the rock allowed- I wanted to make sure that I "retracted" my foot brakes before I hit the bottom, so I could try to break the fall by bending my knees as I hit.. Miraculously, it worked! I hit the bottom (which was a large boulder) on my feet, and bent quicky with the fall into a deep squat. But here's the rub. The adrenaline rush, coupled with the impact and the laws of inertia and further feuled by the squat literally shot all the contents of my lower intesines into my unsuspecting underpants. My first thought was-" Ohmygod! I broke my legs, and when they bring me to the hospital, I'll have to explain shitting myself." Then I realized the Monk-skill actually worked (must've rolled a 20) SO my thought was"Ohmygod, I shit myself."

All my friends were expecting me to be dead- Apparently, my zen-fear-driven-action-move looked way cool. So they are cheering, and meanwhile, my shorts haven't been this full since I was two. I made the excuse that I had to get driven home soon because I was in dire need of a bathroom- I tried to pass off the smell as particularly toxic flatulence. But there is a big difference. This was fear-poop, and it is to a fart what "Titanic" is to "The Postman" (in terms of box office reciepts). luckily, my home was only a mile away- I got there, & quickly disposed of my stained haines, and washed up my filthy ass. SO there. How's that for embarrassing "injury" stories?

Back to the top.